Finding Myself Again

Prologue: I went searching for free stock photos I could use for this post when I came across this one. It's funny because the meaning meant a lot more to me than just slowing down the car in rural neighborhood. The ease and serenity of the photo made me think of my body and mind saying "Thank you for slowing down". Remembering to take time for you in a non-stop world is important.

It's only been a few months since my last "Where have I been?" post. I make a lot of excuses on why I haven't been posting or even engaging on social media like I would like too. I think of what's been keeping my hands occupied enough where I "don't have the time to blog". Whether it be work, my trip that I spent months preparing for, church, hanging out with friends ect. I now realize that it's not what I feel have been occupying my hands that are keeping me away from blogging but what's been occupying my mind. It comes down to the simple fact that I'm keeping myself away from blogging because I haven't wanted to. I don't feel like it's something that should be forced either.

I noticed that I don't like to get too personal on my blog because I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I know I've mentioned my anxiety before and I know that it's quite common and a lot of people go through it. I have been taking counseling for my anxiety and depression for the past several months. And with my counseling, one thing that I've discovered is about how much I've lost myself.

I've noticed I've put a huge pressure on myself to be just like everyone else. To make my blog seem like those of people who we feel are the "perfect blogger" with the "perfect life". To only speak about certain subjects because people like reading them from others but not necessarily putting out everything I feel. Worried that something I put out might be looked at as controversial so keeping quiet on things that I strongly stand behind. I've been so enamored with what everyone else is doing and trying to be like everyone else and liking what they're liking - I've completely lost who I am, what I enjoy, and my own outlook on life. Constantly comparing myself to others and trying to do what others like to please them. Whether that be in the blogging community or in my daily life.

As I'm typing this, trying to figure out traits, mannerisms, things that make up who I am - are they even me at all?

I can even feel me doing it as we speak. The nagging feeling in the back of my mind that as I type this, I'm just feeling like I'm not very good with my words and my posts aren't creative literature that captures people into wanting to read more.. so why am I still typing? And if you're reading this until now, you're probably just as confused as I am on what I'm blubbering about. There really isn't rhyme or reason to this post. I'm just typing as I go along.

I'll try my best to work through this while keeping this blog up to date. Maybe starting my own series of posts just me trying to journey through life. I'd like to try and be more mindful of things instead of just sitting on social media. I feel like that's a good chunk of why I'm feeling like I do. But that's a story for another post.

I still want to post about the beauty items I love because at the very least, I know that's something I do enjoy. I just have to have fun with it and not compare those beauty posts to the millions of others out in the beauty community.

Here's to my journey on finding myself again..

Jay